where to start

(Stantead feeling nervous)

The altitude is roughly 37,200 feet, and the engines have lowered their pitch now. It's ages since I felt that immense power of take off, that deep throat roar. Jet engines are marvelous. (I got to start one once). I just don't travel nor fly much lately, I'm quite low carbon. So now that we are almost half-way to a long weekend in Prague, I am starting to relax a bit. I have always hated border controls and flying. Although if I think for a minute, flying I love, but airport security I hate. And yes, being bored on a plane is exactly the right time to start yet another blog. I really hope I can keep this one going.

(Enough time to imagine the worst)

When your brain always thinks the worst, your life sux for any kind of travel. I got stopped by security again this time, this seems to happen almost half of the plane journeys I take. Finally worked out why I get singled out, border controls make me nervous, which makes you stand out. The security teams are looking for nervous or suspicious characters. So this time, I'm fore-armed and ready. Try to not look furtive, be relaxed inside and outward too. I'm almost assuming I will be stopped, and I am. But this time it's my wife's fault, so when my bag goes back to the xray machine again, the stress is off. A water bottle. I glug down the water in a fancy designer bottle she has had for years now, and laugh the whole thing off. I have avoided an emoti9n explosion. Disaster averted. It's not my fault, and no need to self judge and deflate my own self worth.

In another time, I would have been shaking with stress fear and anger. You see, my brain readily goes into fight or flight mode, in women apparently the brain favours depression, while in men, it's anger.  Welcome to my ADHD blog. I'm still undiagnosed, but I'm going to walk anyone who reads this through a lot of my lived experience of neurodiversity. 

I started on CBT training a year ago. And as anyone who is neurodiverse, I went full throttle into the coaching. The ADHD brain has no half measure, it does not rest, it cannot sit idle and it has to always have a goal. Even if we never reach the goal, we have to have one. My mind has never been quiet, never stops, but sadly also never gets anywhere. I struggle to finish anything. It will be a relief when we get back home to the quiet Fenn-lands of Cambridge. But this weekend I am letting myself be overwhelmed by a historical city I have dreamed of visiting, for 20 years now. To see the bridges over the Vltava . 

I got more out of the CBT training because I engaged fully. I learned a lot. And so, I'm sorry to do this to you, but I'm going to share what I learned. I know nobody will want to read this, but if you are, then this blog is written, just for you and I. Just the two of us, so buckle up. And watch out for squirrels, there will be plenty.